My world is ordered and structured according to (the laws of) music. I think in songs, associate on the basis of music, sometimes talk in song titles. I honestly cannot believe other human beings don’t experience life in the form of soundscapes, don’t think of a piece of music for every single situation and have realities that are not rooted in (a)tonality. Not so much out of snobism, but mainly because a world without music feels joyless, barren.

That’s why the death of my mother and the subsequent funeral was such a shock. My realisation that I hadn’t really known her, or never managed to connect with her on any deeper, more meaningful level was to a large extent based on the musicless quality of her life. She never mentioned any music she liked, never listened to anything, had no favourite songs or artists, never went to a concert, never listened to the radio even. By all accounts she was my polar opposite and therefore a mystery to me. Without music I couldn’t properly analyse her, create a model of her, had nothing to associate with, didnt know where to start when trying to have a conversation and in the end didnt’ feel any connection.

That’s not the best of conclusions for a son.

At her funeral I played Nick Cave’s ‘Skeleton Tree’, mainly out of admiration for the song’s beauty. Metaphysically speaking I hoped it would guide her on her journey. On a more personal level I wanted, even believed it would be the start of my own journey of (re)discovering the woman.

When I think about her I draw a blank. What I feel and think doesn’t go beyond superficiality. She was a nice woman, friendly, a bit withdrawn, who wanted to help others and probably never truly experienced the sensation of wanting something (anything) for herself. It feels sad, sadder even knowing that i didn’t help her uncover those needs. If I now manage to make her a playlist, if I now manage to make her a playlist that feels truthful and honest, if I now manage to make her a playlist that maybe doesn’t come close to who she was, but at least to who she could have been, then at least I did something for her.