I can’t dance. I don’t have the moves, I don’t feel the rhythm, I don’t own the groove. At best I can follow the basic beat of a song in a semi-rhythmical, repetitive way. This is the ‘robodance’, the only dance I master. It’s one of the reasons I can never take my girlfriend out dancing. She is an excellent dancer and loves dancing. I suck, so I cannot really dance with her. I can only watch an endless series of guys being turned down by her. Very flattering, in a way. It gives me a bit of pleasure, as long as I stay away from the dance floor and watch.


As a teenager I could also do the bat dance. Bat dancing is very suitable for slow, romantic, depressing music. It’s a very easy dance, all you have to do is position yourself on the dance floor, ideally with a bottle of beer in your hand, look down at the ground (or the tip of your shoes) and slowly move your upper body back and forth. Sometimes I was even wearing a big, long army coat while doing this dance. Makes sense, because this dance absolutely doesn’t warm you up. It’s the most apathetic dance imaginable.

I used to love dancing, and I still do in my own, twisted way. I wasn’t one of those guys who just went to a club to stand at the side of the dance floor and watch the girls. I guess my motive was somewhat dubious; too shy to talk to girls my only option was to somehow engage with them through dancing. The strategy was pointless. No one can dance forever, at some point the physical connection of the dance floor had to be supplemented with at least a little talking. And I didn’t even make it till that point; my dancing was just not good enough.The net result was dancing on my own, with a bottle of beer.

Now I don’t go at all anymore. I’m too old to go to a club. I don’t feel the excitement anymore, and it’s pretty difficult to find places where songs are being played rather than an endless stream of beats. Don’t get me wrong, I love electronic music, but it’s extremely overrated as dance music, unless you are on ecstasy. Dance music needs emotion, ideally a punch lunch for community singing. It makes more sense to dance to Funk, Rock, Disco, 80’s New Wave, even Punk. If I was younger I would start a club myself and reintroduce the feeling of a song, an emotion and a dance.